The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
