never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
