Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
