my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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