my vag is so smooth its legendary
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
