Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
time to smoke my breakfast
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
