I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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