I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
