Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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