got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
