I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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