My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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