Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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