My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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