wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
