I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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