Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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