Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
