god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
