I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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