did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
