Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
