I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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