Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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