oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
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