mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
