my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
