u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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