Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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