my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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