My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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