She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
