if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
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