It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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