what day is it and did you see me today?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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