oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
