Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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