I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
