8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
