I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
