Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
