Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Text me some of your sweat
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