Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
