I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
