i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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