The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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