true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
