He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
