We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
