I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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