Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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