I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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