hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
